Calmness is key....

Today Angie became upset with me and started yelling and tried to start a fight. She was concerned about a test Jon took today for his K-4 class. Angie enrolled him in First Baptist School. It is a private school in Brownsville. We enrolled Tori for K-3 for a year. The school is a good school. Angie enrolled and paid for it though without consulting me though. I think Jon would have been just as well off in a public school pre k program though. But that was her decision. So today Jon took a test to see where he was at. He didn't do well in a lot of areas while at the same time he exceeded in others. They told Angie they were a little concerned of where he was at. I called Angie after work and she told me she was worried. I told her that I was not and that with a lil work from the summer he will be fine. I think she mistook my lack of worry as a lack of concern. She got angry and asked me why I was not talking about it. I had told her that I just wanted to see the test results so I can see what Jon needs to work on. My son is an extremely bright boy. I have no doubt in my mind that he will master what he needs to by the end of the summer. I am concerned for Angie that she let this stress her as much as she did. She has a certificate in child development. She worked in a day care for years and then owned and operated one herself. She is working on her bachelors in education right now. I suppose the fact that John is her son maybe made it difficult for her to be objective about it. Indeed i did tell her that she was worrying more than she should and not being objective about it. Later this evening she texted me that she doesn't want to fight with me and she wants to know what WE will do about it and what WE will plan. I told her that I have full confidence in her education and experience to develop a plan for johnny and that once I receive Jon's recommendations of what he needs to work on that I too will be able to develop a plan for him here. I know that with the help of my mom who has umpteen years of child development experience and is a huge part of Tori's and Johnny's life that it will be no problem at all. I am saddened that Angie yet again takes how I act as a sign of coldness and unconcern. I have also been told from Shar though that sometimes I shut down in order to avoid confrontation. I wonder if maybe that is what Angie was referring to? Needless to say though, when it comes to Tori and Johnny and even Gabe in the future, I like to honestly believe that I will be able to approach there education in Calmness and not let negative feelings disrupt and dissolve a love for education which I will strive to the best of my ability to create for them.

Beating the tireds....

What a wonderful night. I am so thankful of the days when you overcome the tiredness to do something that would be just as easy not to. The kids came in from San Antonio ... a four hour drive... and I was just finishing work and was going to take them to Brownsville... another hour drive. It was Trevor's birthday party today at Sagebrush (a ranch/Montessori school) and they invited us to the party. Its about a twenty min drive in the other direction. I weighed in the options of going vs not going. In the end I decided ... fuck it...lets just do it. And man was I glad. The kids had a blast. They had an obstacle course bouncer and a Water slide bouncer. They had water guns for every kid. I didn't bring bathing suits but they had fun in shorts and i had spare clothes to change them in afterwards from there trip to San Antonio. It was at a ranch/Montessori school. They had hay rides that they went on. We ate hot dogs. My fav was campfire smores! All the kids wanted the ones i made because i made them perfectly golden vs burnt like the other adults making them. lol. ^.^ I ate three of them. We were the last to leave. In the end my coworkers and Lindsay and Tessa and tori where playing in the water bouncer. I wish i had a change of clothes for me cause i so would have jumped in too. Well we ended up getting to Brownsville late because of that. I was hoping Angie would meet me half way because after that i was really tired. Alas, she had no gas. But, it was still good. I got to tuck the kids straight into bed and give them good night kisses. I loved that. So ... today has been all about overcoming the tired and having awesome things happen in return. This to me... is what being a good dad is all about.

Reset.

I think after this weekend I know how a machine that goes bonkers and needs to be reset feels. If machines could feel..... damn dirty robots! (getting ready for terminator as you can tell) . It was weird how the ups and downs just came and went so fast. I finally feel purged though. At least i think I am. Something kept popping in my mind alot sunday.... its a picture of two planets circling around each other.... and i hear my voice saying...I don't want my world to revolve around you... I want our worlds to revolve around each other. I don't know why but it just kept flashing in my mind continually. Sooo vivid. Last night was also a reminder of all my friends that love me dearly. I had a wonderful support group with Becca, Erin and Cathy. And then there was my Shar. It's sickening kind of how so at ease I can feel after talking ot her. Scary a little. I love her dearly and am so thankful for her. I have been having problems sleeping at night. I actually inadvertantly asked shar to share some of her ambien to help me get my sleep back. Last night i was up to 3:30 again. With this being a weird weekend for me personaly, of course Angie sensed my weakness and jumped on me. Last night it was about how i need to give her praise for the job she is doing as a mother. How this came about out of "whats wrong with you" ... I have no idea. I felt like i quickly fell back into old patterns with her and i cursed myself. Later on though I realize that I have made steps in positive directions. I realized that I didn't actually give in to what she wanted. Yes it is still not settled but I did not say yes to her. This gives me some comfort. I am hoping to hear from the bosses soon when the store will be closing so I can visit Shar and Gabe. I miss them terribly. I am also looking so much forward to seeing Beth again to. She rocks and makes me smiles. As days go by though my much coveted day dreams of going to watch star trek in san fran is starting to fade into dreams never fullfilled land. Still, everything happens for a reason. Today I am strong. I am loved. I am wanted. I have been productive for others and for myself. I will get a run in to make my body and mind healthier. I will take a page from my love and take time for myself.

When Life Gives You Lemons....

So I come home Friday afternoon to pick up something before I go pick up my wonderful lil ones for the weekend and my Grandmother tells me to show Bubber the shower upstairs and my bed room because he is going to be staying there while he is here. My jaw drops and I stammer ok. There isn't really much that I can do. My heart is weighed down that me and my children are so easily displaced by a distant cousin of my aunts and uncles like that. I prepare my room for him and run through options in my head. The first thing that I think to do is not bring my kids this weekend and let them stay in the comfort of their own home not knowing what my plans were going to be. I called my uncle to ask if we could stay in his spare room (he has a humungous house) I did not get the answer that I would expect from family, and in the end got that it wasn't a good idea and try to find another place since my aunt wasn't feeling well. So I had stopped at work to talk to my aunt and was telling the situation to her and my boss and Jess (my boss) said "well why don't you guys just come and stay with us in our spare bedroom". At first I was like ...well.. no that would be awkward, to which she replied that that was quite ridiculous seeing that i stay over there playing magic to 2 or 4 in the morning, whats a few more hours. Sooo.. I thought about the options that I had and decided that I was going to take her up on her offer and turn this crappy turn of events into something adventurous. We ended up having an awesome weekend spending the night with them. Friday Trevor and Tessa ended up sleeping over at their grandparents home and so the kids went down semi early. Gerson and I stayed up and watched the leaked version of Wolverine together on his computer. It rocked and we were excited. Saturday night I babysitted for Jess and Gers so they could go out as a couple to a gathering. The kids had a blast together. Tessa and Tori put make up on each other and they all had a pillow fight. We stayed up till 10:30 watching Speed Racer on tv. Everyone was perfect. Jess and Gers were home before 11 ^.^ I told them they were losers for getting home so early when they had a babysitter to take advantage of ^.^ . We had fun conversations and then Gers and I played magic when Jess headed to bed. Besides that, work was wonderfully hectic with an unthought of turn out for our sale we threw together. Saturday ended up being ubber busy and we were not really prepared for it staff wise ^.^ . I had a great weekend. I am thankful I was able to get my fear of being displaced under wrap right away and was able to take advantage of what was offered to me. I was offered by Jess and Gers to stay with them if I need to as well as Lindsay (Jess's sister). I assured them it was just for this weekend until i can get another room upstairs situated for Bubber to sleep in. However, I am very well thinking of taking up Lindsay on her offer. She has a big house all to herself and she is a wonderful person and we get along fantastic. It would be nice living in a place where I would be appreciated. However, I am just toying with the thought right now. Anyways, I am off to get some recuperating rest now. Curious to know what you all think I should do.

Why I Love My Job.

Man there are lots of reasons I love my job, but the biggest one is that I am able to connect to people. Saturday I was really really tired. I had very little sleep the last two nights for one reason or another and it was showing through at work. I was grumpy and a bit biting with my co-workers... well.. I was not as tolerant to their lackadaisical usual selves. Anyways by the afternoon i was drained. I walked up to a customer and asked her if everything was alright and if she needed help. I must have been so tired that my facial features looked like extreme concern and she got scared and said no she was fine but was looking like that maybe there was a reason she shouldn't be and asked if something was wrong. I chuckled and apologized and explained nothing was wrong that I was just tired and my question came out wrong because of that. We talked for a good bit while her children played in the store. After a bit I had to ring up and then was working on a display when she came up to me before she was left and told me that she wanted to thank me before I she left. She is a mother of two and a teacher and it was nice having a conversation with an adult like she did with me because she can't remember when the last time she had one was. She wanted to let me know how it made her feel and how much she appreciated it. That's what I live for. Touching peoples lives like that. It's not even with work. I try and strive as much as possible to have a positive effect in as many lives as I can touch. Today another customer came in. I actually have met her once before through an acquaintance. She was setting up a birthday registry for her sun and I was talking to her and explaining things. She was going around picking up things and asked a question about something and we ended up talking more and I got around to asking her how she was doing lately. She sighed and said "you know what, not so well" She went on to tell me somethings that were turning her life upside down. I felt very bad and did the only thing that i could do... offer her a hug. I gave her a big hug and she thanked me and said how she really needed that. I have been frustrated a lil bit at work with a lot of lack of sight with the coming future, but touching lives like that just makes everything ok. Sometimes I forget that there is a purpose for me, I may not understand why I am where I am, but I am sure who ever is in charge out there does. *huggles to everybuddy*