The Count Down....

Wow the summer has indeed gone by fast. I so enjoyed my summer vacation with Shar and Gabe. My lil ones had such a wonderful time. Today I start my thirty day count down until I drive off to Cali more permanently. It's kinda weird. It seems like there is lots to do but then there kinda isn't. It's hard to explain. I think its just an apprehensive feeling is all. It's scary and it's exciting. One moment I think about calling the whole thing off and the next I am thinking about how much of a better place I am going to be in (physically and emotionally) . I am working on submitting lots of Job Apps online. I have gotten them out to Trader Joe's, Safeway and UPS. I will work on Fed Ex, Wal Greens, Rite Aid and target next. I really want to research Apple very badly and see where I might be able to fit in there. I also want to check out financial aid again with De Anza College. ^.^ Sometimes I fantasize what it would be like to work at my friend Beth's College ^.^ . That's a bit of a drive though. This weekend I take my car in to get up and running for the long trip. Initially I was planning a 5 or six day trip, but we got extremely lucky and got a down stairs apartment! Sept 1st is the move in date. So I think I am going to break the trip up into three 12 hour drive days. That would put me there on the 31st. The move in happens on the 1st of sept. My last day of work is aug 28th. I am already telling my customers that I will be leaving. Lot's of them are surprised and saddened but also very happy for me too. I love them ^.^ .

My Best Friend

My best friend is Gerson. He is the husband of one of my bosses. We do a lot of things together. I enjoy his company immensely. We are very much alike in so many ways. Gerson has always said that its going to suck when I leave but this evening it was kind of the first time where he wished I would rethink going. He told me how he was worried for me. He sees how much I have and am investing in my relationship with Shar, and while she sounds like a cool person he is afraid to see me get hurt. He told me that he does not judge me on my decision to leave my family and he understands why I am doing it and that he respects my decision. It was a very emotional moment for the both of us. I am very close to Gerson and secretly I wish we were brother in laws. I am glad he is concerned, any brother would be.

Star Trek!!!

Ok I have seen this Movie THREE TIMES!!! I saw it at the mid night premier with Gerson, Lindsay, and friends. I saw it Saturday night with Bobbie Jo, an old friend whom I haven't seen since high school. Finally I saw it tonight with my mom for mothers day. This is the only movie that I have seen more than once paying full price. It's that good. I am safe to say I have finally had my fill. The only thing that would have made this cooler would to have been in San Francisco and gone to see it with Dave and Beth. Well, there is always Terminator for that I suppose. ^.^

Calmness is key....

Today Angie became upset with me and started yelling and tried to start a fight. She was concerned about a test Jon took today for his K-4 class. Angie enrolled him in First Baptist School. It is a private school in Brownsville. We enrolled Tori for K-3 for a year. The school is a good school. Angie enrolled and paid for it though without consulting me though. I think Jon would have been just as well off in a public school pre k program though. But that was her decision. So today Jon took a test to see where he was at. He didn't do well in a lot of areas while at the same time he exceeded in others. They told Angie they were a little concerned of where he was at. I called Angie after work and she told me she was worried. I told her that I was not and that with a lil work from the summer he will be fine. I think she mistook my lack of worry as a lack of concern. She got angry and asked me why I was not talking about it. I had told her that I just wanted to see the test results so I can see what Jon needs to work on. My son is an extremely bright boy. I have no doubt in my mind that he will master what he needs to by the end of the summer. I am concerned for Angie that she let this stress her as much as she did. She has a certificate in child development. She worked in a day care for years and then owned and operated one herself. She is working on her bachelors in education right now. I suppose the fact that John is her son maybe made it difficult for her to be objective about it. Indeed i did tell her that she was worrying more than she should and not being objective about it. Later this evening she texted me that she doesn't want to fight with me and she wants to know what WE will do about it and what WE will plan. I told her that I have full confidence in her education and experience to develop a plan for johnny and that once I receive Jon's recommendations of what he needs to work on that I too will be able to develop a plan for him here. I know that with the help of my mom who has umpteen years of child development experience and is a huge part of Tori's and Johnny's life that it will be no problem at all. I am saddened that Angie yet again takes how I act as a sign of coldness and unconcern. I have also been told from Shar though that sometimes I shut down in order to avoid confrontation. I wonder if maybe that is what Angie was referring to? Needless to say though, when it comes to Tori and Johnny and even Gabe in the future, I like to honestly believe that I will be able to approach there education in Calmness and not let negative feelings disrupt and dissolve a love for education which I will strive to the best of my ability to create for them.

Beating the tireds....

What a wonderful night. I am so thankful of the days when you overcome the tiredness to do something that would be just as easy not to. The kids came in from San Antonio ... a four hour drive... and I was just finishing work and was going to take them to Brownsville... another hour drive. It was Trevor's birthday party today at Sagebrush (a ranch/Montessori school) and they invited us to the party. Its about a twenty min drive in the other direction. I weighed in the options of going vs not going. In the end I decided ... fuck it...lets just do it. And man was I glad. The kids had a blast. They had an obstacle course bouncer and a Water slide bouncer. They had water guns for every kid. I didn't bring bathing suits but they had fun in shorts and i had spare clothes to change them in afterwards from there trip to San Antonio. It was at a ranch/Montessori school. They had hay rides that they went on. We ate hot dogs. My fav was campfire smores! All the kids wanted the ones i made because i made them perfectly golden vs burnt like the other adults making them. lol. ^.^ I ate three of them. We were the last to leave. In the end my coworkers and Lindsay and Tessa and tori where playing in the water bouncer. I wish i had a change of clothes for me cause i so would have jumped in too. Well we ended up getting to Brownsville late because of that. I was hoping Angie would meet me half way because after that i was really tired. Alas, she had no gas. But, it was still good. I got to tuck the kids straight into bed and give them good night kisses. I loved that. So ... today has been all about overcoming the tired and having awesome things happen in return. This to me... is what being a good dad is all about.

Reset.

I think after this weekend I know how a machine that goes bonkers and needs to be reset feels. If machines could feel..... damn dirty robots! (getting ready for terminator as you can tell) . It was weird how the ups and downs just came and went so fast. I finally feel purged though. At least i think I am. Something kept popping in my mind alot sunday.... its a picture of two planets circling around each other.... and i hear my voice saying...I don't want my world to revolve around you... I want our worlds to revolve around each other. I don't know why but it just kept flashing in my mind continually. Sooo vivid. Last night was also a reminder of all my friends that love me dearly. I had a wonderful support group with Becca, Erin and Cathy. And then there was my Shar. It's sickening kind of how so at ease I can feel after talking ot her. Scary a little. I love her dearly and am so thankful for her. I have been having problems sleeping at night. I actually inadvertantly asked shar to share some of her ambien to help me get my sleep back. Last night i was up to 3:30 again. With this being a weird weekend for me personaly, of course Angie sensed my weakness and jumped on me. Last night it was about how i need to give her praise for the job she is doing as a mother. How this came about out of "whats wrong with you" ... I have no idea. I felt like i quickly fell back into old patterns with her and i cursed myself. Later on though I realize that I have made steps in positive directions. I realized that I didn't actually give in to what she wanted. Yes it is still not settled but I did not say yes to her. This gives me some comfort. I am hoping to hear from the bosses soon when the store will be closing so I can visit Shar and Gabe. I miss them terribly. I am also looking so much forward to seeing Beth again to. She rocks and makes me smiles. As days go by though my much coveted day dreams of going to watch star trek in san fran is starting to fade into dreams never fullfilled land. Still, everything happens for a reason. Today I am strong. I am loved. I am wanted. I have been productive for others and for myself. I will get a run in to make my body and mind healthier. I will take a page from my love and take time for myself.

When Life Gives You Lemons....

So I come home Friday afternoon to pick up something before I go pick up my wonderful lil ones for the weekend and my Grandmother tells me to show Bubber the shower upstairs and my bed room because he is going to be staying there while he is here. My jaw drops and I stammer ok. There isn't really much that I can do. My heart is weighed down that me and my children are so easily displaced by a distant cousin of my aunts and uncles like that. I prepare my room for him and run through options in my head. The first thing that I think to do is not bring my kids this weekend and let them stay in the comfort of their own home not knowing what my plans were going to be. I called my uncle to ask if we could stay in his spare room (he has a humungous house) I did not get the answer that I would expect from family, and in the end got that it wasn't a good idea and try to find another place since my aunt wasn't feeling well. So I had stopped at work to talk to my aunt and was telling the situation to her and my boss and Jess (my boss) said "well why don't you guys just come and stay with us in our spare bedroom". At first I was like ...well.. no that would be awkward, to which she replied that that was quite ridiculous seeing that i stay over there playing magic to 2 or 4 in the morning, whats a few more hours. Sooo.. I thought about the options that I had and decided that I was going to take her up on her offer and turn this crappy turn of events into something adventurous. We ended up having an awesome weekend spending the night with them. Friday Trevor and Tessa ended up sleeping over at their grandparents home and so the kids went down semi early. Gerson and I stayed up and watched the leaked version of Wolverine together on his computer. It rocked and we were excited. Saturday night I babysitted for Jess and Gers so they could go out as a couple to a gathering. The kids had a blast together. Tessa and Tori put make up on each other and they all had a pillow fight. We stayed up till 10:30 watching Speed Racer on tv. Everyone was perfect. Jess and Gers were home before 11 ^.^ I told them they were losers for getting home so early when they had a babysitter to take advantage of ^.^ . We had fun conversations and then Gers and I played magic when Jess headed to bed. Besides that, work was wonderfully hectic with an unthought of turn out for our sale we threw together. Saturday ended up being ubber busy and we were not really prepared for it staff wise ^.^ . I had a great weekend. I am thankful I was able to get my fear of being displaced under wrap right away and was able to take advantage of what was offered to me. I was offered by Jess and Gers to stay with them if I need to as well as Lindsay (Jess's sister). I assured them it was just for this weekend until i can get another room upstairs situated for Bubber to sleep in. However, I am very well thinking of taking up Lindsay on her offer. She has a big house all to herself and she is a wonderful person and we get along fantastic. It would be nice living in a place where I would be appreciated. However, I am just toying with the thought right now. Anyways, I am off to get some recuperating rest now. Curious to know what you all think I should do.