The Count Down....

Wow the summer has indeed gone by fast. I so enjoyed my summer vacation with Shar and Gabe. My lil ones had such a wonderful time. Today I start my thirty day count down until I drive off to Cali more permanently. It's kinda weird. It seems like there is lots to do but then there kinda isn't. It's hard to explain. I think its just an apprehensive feeling is all. It's scary and it's exciting. One moment I think about calling the whole thing off and the next I am thinking about how much of a better place I am going to be in (physically and emotionally) . I am working on submitting lots of Job Apps online. I have gotten them out to Trader Joe's, Safeway and UPS. I will work on Fed Ex, Wal Greens, Rite Aid and target next. I really want to research Apple very badly and see where I might be able to fit in there. I also want to check out financial aid again with De Anza College. ^.^ Sometimes I fantasize what it would be like to work at my friend Beth's College ^.^ . That's a bit of a drive though. This weekend I take my car in to get up and running for the long trip. Initially I was planning a 5 or six day trip, but we got extremely lucky and got a down stairs apartment! Sept 1st is the move in date. So I think I am going to break the trip up into three 12 hour drive days. That would put me there on the 31st. The move in happens on the 1st of sept. My last day of work is aug 28th. I am already telling my customers that I will be leaving. Lot's of them are surprised and saddened but also very happy for me too. I love them ^.^ .

My Best Friend

My best friend is Gerson. He is the husband of one of my bosses. We do a lot of things together. I enjoy his company immensely. We are very much alike in so many ways. Gerson has always said that its going to suck when I leave but this evening it was kind of the first time where he wished I would rethink going. He told me how he was worried for me. He sees how much I have and am investing in my relationship with Shar, and while she sounds like a cool person he is afraid to see me get hurt. He told me that he does not judge me on my decision to leave my family and he understands why I am doing it and that he respects my decision. It was a very emotional moment for the both of us. I am very close to Gerson and secretly I wish we were brother in laws. I am glad he is concerned, any brother would be.

Star Trek!!!

Ok I have seen this Movie THREE TIMES!!! I saw it at the mid night premier with Gerson, Lindsay, and friends. I saw it Saturday night with Bobbie Jo, an old friend whom I haven't seen since high school. Finally I saw it tonight with my mom for mothers day. This is the only movie that I have seen more than once paying full price. It's that good. I am safe to say I have finally had my fill. The only thing that would have made this cooler would to have been in San Francisco and gone to see it with Dave and Beth. Well, there is always Terminator for that I suppose. ^.^

Calmness is key....

Today Angie became upset with me and started yelling and tried to start a fight. She was concerned about a test Jon took today for his K-4 class. Angie enrolled him in First Baptist School. It is a private school in Brownsville. We enrolled Tori for K-3 for a year. The school is a good school. Angie enrolled and paid for it though without consulting me though. I think Jon would have been just as well off in a public school pre k program though. But that was her decision. So today Jon took a test to see where he was at. He didn't do well in a lot of areas while at the same time he exceeded in others. They told Angie they were a little concerned of where he was at. I called Angie after work and she told me she was worried. I told her that I was not and that with a lil work from the summer he will be fine. I think she mistook my lack of worry as a lack of concern. She got angry and asked me why I was not talking about it. I had told her that I just wanted to see the test results so I can see what Jon needs to work on. My son is an extremely bright boy. I have no doubt in my mind that he will master what he needs to by the end of the summer. I am concerned for Angie that she let this stress her as much as she did. She has a certificate in child development. She worked in a day care for years and then owned and operated one herself. She is working on her bachelors in education right now. I suppose the fact that John is her son maybe made it difficult for her to be objective about it. Indeed i did tell her that she was worrying more than she should and not being objective about it. Later this evening she texted me that she doesn't want to fight with me and she wants to know what WE will do about it and what WE will plan. I told her that I have full confidence in her education and experience to develop a plan for johnny and that once I receive Jon's recommendations of what he needs to work on that I too will be able to develop a plan for him here. I know that with the help of my mom who has umpteen years of child development experience and is a huge part of Tori's and Johnny's life that it will be no problem at all. I am saddened that Angie yet again takes how I act as a sign of coldness and unconcern. I have also been told from Shar though that sometimes I shut down in order to avoid confrontation. I wonder if maybe that is what Angie was referring to? Needless to say though, when it comes to Tori and Johnny and even Gabe in the future, I like to honestly believe that I will be able to approach there education in Calmness and not let negative feelings disrupt and dissolve a love for education which I will strive to the best of my ability to create for them.

Beating the tireds....

What a wonderful night. I am so thankful of the days when you overcome the tiredness to do something that would be just as easy not to. The kids came in from San Antonio ... a four hour drive... and I was just finishing work and was going to take them to Brownsville... another hour drive. It was Trevor's birthday party today at Sagebrush (a ranch/Montessori school) and they invited us to the party. Its about a twenty min drive in the other direction. I weighed in the options of going vs not going. In the end I decided ... fuck it...lets just do it. And man was I glad. The kids had a blast. They had an obstacle course bouncer and a Water slide bouncer. They had water guns for every kid. I didn't bring bathing suits but they had fun in shorts and i had spare clothes to change them in afterwards from there trip to San Antonio. It was at a ranch/Montessori school. They had hay rides that they went on. We ate hot dogs. My fav was campfire smores! All the kids wanted the ones i made because i made them perfectly golden vs burnt like the other adults making them. lol. ^.^ I ate three of them. We were the last to leave. In the end my coworkers and Lindsay and Tessa and tori where playing in the water bouncer. I wish i had a change of clothes for me cause i so would have jumped in too. Well we ended up getting to Brownsville late because of that. I was hoping Angie would meet me half way because after that i was really tired. Alas, she had no gas. But, it was still good. I got to tuck the kids straight into bed and give them good night kisses. I loved that. So ... today has been all about overcoming the tired and having awesome things happen in return. This to me... is what being a good dad is all about.

Reset.

I think after this weekend I know how a machine that goes bonkers and needs to be reset feels. If machines could feel..... damn dirty robots! (getting ready for terminator as you can tell) . It was weird how the ups and downs just came and went so fast. I finally feel purged though. At least i think I am. Something kept popping in my mind alot sunday.... its a picture of two planets circling around each other.... and i hear my voice saying...I don't want my world to revolve around you... I want our worlds to revolve around each other. I don't know why but it just kept flashing in my mind continually. Sooo vivid. Last night was also a reminder of all my friends that love me dearly. I had a wonderful support group with Becca, Erin and Cathy. And then there was my Shar. It's sickening kind of how so at ease I can feel after talking ot her. Scary a little. I love her dearly and am so thankful for her. I have been having problems sleeping at night. I actually inadvertantly asked shar to share some of her ambien to help me get my sleep back. Last night i was up to 3:30 again. With this being a weird weekend for me personaly, of course Angie sensed my weakness and jumped on me. Last night it was about how i need to give her praise for the job she is doing as a mother. How this came about out of "whats wrong with you" ... I have no idea. I felt like i quickly fell back into old patterns with her and i cursed myself. Later on though I realize that I have made steps in positive directions. I realized that I didn't actually give in to what she wanted. Yes it is still not settled but I did not say yes to her. This gives me some comfort. I am hoping to hear from the bosses soon when the store will be closing so I can visit Shar and Gabe. I miss them terribly. I am also looking so much forward to seeing Beth again to. She rocks and makes me smiles. As days go by though my much coveted day dreams of going to watch star trek in san fran is starting to fade into dreams never fullfilled land. Still, everything happens for a reason. Today I am strong. I am loved. I am wanted. I have been productive for others and for myself. I will get a run in to make my body and mind healthier. I will take a page from my love and take time for myself.

When Life Gives You Lemons....

So I come home Friday afternoon to pick up something before I go pick up my wonderful lil ones for the weekend and my Grandmother tells me to show Bubber the shower upstairs and my bed room because he is going to be staying there while he is here. My jaw drops and I stammer ok. There isn't really much that I can do. My heart is weighed down that me and my children are so easily displaced by a distant cousin of my aunts and uncles like that. I prepare my room for him and run through options in my head. The first thing that I think to do is not bring my kids this weekend and let them stay in the comfort of their own home not knowing what my plans were going to be. I called my uncle to ask if we could stay in his spare room (he has a humungous house) I did not get the answer that I would expect from family, and in the end got that it wasn't a good idea and try to find another place since my aunt wasn't feeling well. So I had stopped at work to talk to my aunt and was telling the situation to her and my boss and Jess (my boss) said "well why don't you guys just come and stay with us in our spare bedroom". At first I was like ...well.. no that would be awkward, to which she replied that that was quite ridiculous seeing that i stay over there playing magic to 2 or 4 in the morning, whats a few more hours. Sooo.. I thought about the options that I had and decided that I was going to take her up on her offer and turn this crappy turn of events into something adventurous. We ended up having an awesome weekend spending the night with them. Friday Trevor and Tessa ended up sleeping over at their grandparents home and so the kids went down semi early. Gerson and I stayed up and watched the leaked version of Wolverine together on his computer. It rocked and we were excited. Saturday night I babysitted for Jess and Gers so they could go out as a couple to a gathering. The kids had a blast together. Tessa and Tori put make up on each other and they all had a pillow fight. We stayed up till 10:30 watching Speed Racer on tv. Everyone was perfect. Jess and Gers were home before 11 ^.^ I told them they were losers for getting home so early when they had a babysitter to take advantage of ^.^ . We had fun conversations and then Gers and I played magic when Jess headed to bed. Besides that, work was wonderfully hectic with an unthought of turn out for our sale we threw together. Saturday ended up being ubber busy and we were not really prepared for it staff wise ^.^ . I had a great weekend. I am thankful I was able to get my fear of being displaced under wrap right away and was able to take advantage of what was offered to me. I was offered by Jess and Gers to stay with them if I need to as well as Lindsay (Jess's sister). I assured them it was just for this weekend until i can get another room upstairs situated for Bubber to sleep in. However, I am very well thinking of taking up Lindsay on her offer. She has a big house all to herself and she is a wonderful person and we get along fantastic. It would be nice living in a place where I would be appreciated. However, I am just toying with the thought right now. Anyways, I am off to get some recuperating rest now. Curious to know what you all think I should do.

Why I Love My Job.

Man there are lots of reasons I love my job, but the biggest one is that I am able to connect to people. Saturday I was really really tired. I had very little sleep the last two nights for one reason or another and it was showing through at work. I was grumpy and a bit biting with my co-workers... well.. I was not as tolerant to their lackadaisical usual selves. Anyways by the afternoon i was drained. I walked up to a customer and asked her if everything was alright and if she needed help. I must have been so tired that my facial features looked like extreme concern and she got scared and said no she was fine but was looking like that maybe there was a reason she shouldn't be and asked if something was wrong. I chuckled and apologized and explained nothing was wrong that I was just tired and my question came out wrong because of that. We talked for a good bit while her children played in the store. After a bit I had to ring up and then was working on a display when she came up to me before she was left and told me that she wanted to thank me before I she left. She is a mother of two and a teacher and it was nice having a conversation with an adult like she did with me because she can't remember when the last time she had one was. She wanted to let me know how it made her feel and how much she appreciated it. That's what I live for. Touching peoples lives like that. It's not even with work. I try and strive as much as possible to have a positive effect in as many lives as I can touch. Today another customer came in. I actually have met her once before through an acquaintance. She was setting up a birthday registry for her sun and I was talking to her and explaining things. She was going around picking up things and asked a question about something and we ended up talking more and I got around to asking her how she was doing lately. She sighed and said "you know what, not so well" She went on to tell me somethings that were turning her life upside down. I felt very bad and did the only thing that i could do... offer her a hug. I gave her a big hug and she thanked me and said how she really needed that. I have been frustrated a lil bit at work with a lot of lack of sight with the coming future, but touching lives like that just makes everything ok. Sometimes I forget that there is a purpose for me, I may not understand why I am where I am, but I am sure who ever is in charge out there does. *huggles to everybuddy*

Fat Tuesday!

Yesterday I was going to impose a self induced mandatory lock in. I have noticed since John had left that I had purposely been keeping myself out. It was about time for me to turn and face the aloneliness (my own word). Then I found out that today was Fat Tuesday and well .... i just couldn't NOT go out and join the fun. So I asked around to see who wanted to go and no one was up for it. I was going to go out alone and I decided to text an old friend of mine. Ariel and I use to be really close when we were in high school. We were a close bunch of guys during that time. So i texted him and asked him if he wanted to come check out the downtown tonight. I had come once before ... for like an hour. He hadn't been down here at all. I wasn't even sure what would be going on but I took a chance ... heck its Fat Tuesday... SOMETHING has to be going on. I bought a blinking beaded necklace from work and picked up one more from the house and then headed out. We had a blast! I wanted to check out a place that a coworker said she liked called Speak Easy but it was closed! So we walked down to a place called The Dive. It freaking rocked! It was definitely my kinda place. They played lots of 90's 80's and 70's rock. You know the place is special when they have TWINKIES on the menu! After a while there we went next door to a place called Rhythm and Brews. It was nice. a little more upscale from the blue jeans and t shirt place of The Dive. Guys were dressed up in nicer shirts, and girls wore short black dresses. The place was a lil nicer. I like to think the waitress thought I was cute because she gave me my Dr. Pepper's for free while she charged Ariel for his beers. The last two of the four had cherries in them. I probably got them for free though because she probably thought I was a designated driver. Now my blinking bead necklace had been coveted all night with three girls asking where i got it from . One told me she worked at moon beams and told me to visit her during the day sometime and squeezed my bicep...I'm pretty sure she was dissappointed. Anyways, at Rhythm and Brews one girl came up to me and asked me if she could borrow my necklace because her friends told her there was no way that she could get it from me and that she would give it back when she leaves. She was the only one to ask me if she could have it and i was going to get it back so i said yes. Anyways Ariel and I left first and so I went to go get it back. She told me she would give it to me out side. I suppose she wanted to save face in front of her friends. She gave it back to me and she like everyone else asked where i got it from. And the she asked if she could have it. Me being a nice guy of course said yes. I got a big hug for it. ^.^ . Of the evening I started of with two strings of beads and ended up with five even after giving one away. The last place we stopped out was an old old movie theater called El Cine Rey. They had a blues and fusion band playing in the lobby of the theater with lots of couches inside and out. It was smaller crowd and more intimate. I liked it. It had red lights and red velvet couches. My favorite place was still The Dive though. This saturday they are going to have some Industrial bands play. I want to check that out. It's going to be a saturday where I won't have the kids so that should work out nicely. Plus there is another place called Lounge M that is going to have a punk band from Portland, Oregon play. That is in March. I had a wonderful night and I am glad I went out. I loved catching up with Ariel. I hope we can make this our thing.

Strike!

We have restarted game night at work again. Game night was something we started doing at work to help go out and unwind and get closer together as co-workers. Last night we headed out to Flamingo Bowl for some bowling. I had a blast! Before I had left I had loosened up my muscles with a tall mug of rum and coke. I was the first to get there so I got a lane for us. It was quarter game night and we were in lane six. We had so much fun. There was a couple next to us there was a couple in lane seven that were dopplegangers of me and shar.... except ten years younger ... and 40lbs lighter >.< .... which ten years ago... we probably were too hehe. I was begging for someone to take a picture so that I could show shar but everyone was to embarassed because the couple was very lovey and would kiss alot... it was cute ... watching them have fun bowling and then drown everything out to be in there own world for a kiss. Anyways ... it just makes me realize I should buy an I phone already. SOOOO.... I did ok the first game....I scored a 77... but it wasn't until Eddie got there and bought a piture of beer that things got intresting. Now... I don't drink beer. I just don't like it... but last night i had three cups. It just reinforced my belief that drinking a FEW drinks while bowling helps loosens you up so you can bowl better. I got a 98 on my second game and on the third game I got a 138 my best score EVER bowling. It's funny because on nights like that ... I imagine how much better they are going to be when Shar is there too. ^.^ ....

P.S. Bowling Shoes Rock!

Vibe in Mcallen Downtown!?

Ok.... when did my little city get a downtown night life!? I went out friday night to seventeenth st down town. And there was a vibe! Holy Schmoly! I didn't get to enjoy it that long but that part of the story doesn't belong in here. I did love the live music coming out of the bars and clubs. I felt the energy of the people walking on the side walks. I felt safe and protected from the police officers on bikes. The plan was to hop from place to place checking it all out but i only got to enjoy the first stop. It was called the Patio. A very nice upscale place with a nice salsa band playing in a courtyard and a swanky sexy lounge singer playing on a piano inside. I had the best blow job ever! I even got a picture of it! I will share it later on. Anyways... I really can't wait to go back and check the rest of the strip out. I will be having a me weekend this next weekend and that will be my chance to check it out. I don't think they have the dance atmosphere I am looking for but I won't know until I go check it out.

It's my birthday!

Well... another year older. ^.^ I absolutely thought I was going to pass this birthday quietly. I had seen it in my head as just another day. I am not sure that is going to be the case. I have already had lots of friends wish me happy birthday... and it hadn't even started yet. ^.^ I definitely felt the love. Shar called and sang happy birthday to me at mid night. It meant the world to me....more than she knows. I had also actually gotten a wonderful birthday wish from Angie, Tori's and Johnny's mom. It felt good to hear that from her too. What surprised me most was the wishes from people that I would have not expected and from the ones that I hadn't talked to in a long while. My gift from Elli in Gaia was very much a wonderful surprise as well. My original intentions today was going to spend it playing magic with the guys, but now that I have Jon here , well it's the best gift a father could ask for. Mom is going take me out for Chinese when I get out of work. I am very much looking forward to that. :P As for gifts....I got an early one from Angie... well... she wanted to buy me something at the mall on friday but i didn't see anything... instead I told her I wanted magic cards and she gave me the money for that. ^.^ yayness!

An entire week with my son!

My world is brighter! I haven't felt this.... alive ... since I was with Shar and Gabe. This weekend was an unusual weekend for the kids and me. Angie was supposed to come pick them up sunday. Long story short, she didn't end up coming for them. I told her that it would be fine for tori to miss a day of school and Jon isn't in day care anymore. Monday was my day off so I got to spend some wonderful time with just me and them. Angie come late monday afternoon and we went to get some paperwork done and then out to eat. When we were finishing up Jon said that he wanted to stay with me. Of course he can stay with me. Angie didn't think he would do it though. We had to run and pick up some brake lights for her truck and while we were doing that I quickly made some calls and made some arrangements for Jon to be taken care of while I was at work. When the time came Angie tried pulling her crocodile tears and use a guilt trip on Jon to make him go back with her but it absolutely had no effect on him. Poor Tori though... it did work on her and she told me that mommy would be sad if johnny stayed. I paid no attention to angie whatsoever and told her that I would be happy at least. She called again late last night but I didn't let her pouting get me down even the slightest. So it's going to be a boys week. I am extremely happy again. I was thinking about it last night.... there are only a handful of people in this world that can make me feel like this. I'm glad. ^.^

It's Thursday!

>.< hehe My Thursday is the equivalence to everyone elses Friday. I need to clean up around the house so that I can enjoy the evening catching up on Lost, Heroes and then start reading my very anticipated Breaking Dawn! The weight and length of it calms me a bit and ensures me that I will won't read it in a flash and have plenty of story to satisfy myself with. ^.^ Even though tomorrow is my day off, it seems like its chalked full of things that need to get done starting with a drive down to Brownsville to do my taxes with Angie. No vegging out for me. Before I start off cleaning I am going to take molly for a long walk. She deserves it. ^.^

The Twilight Series....

O.K. This has to be one of the most addicting series that I have read in AGES. I read New Moon in Two Nights!!! It's probably been like 15 years since I have done that. Probably more! Anyways... I finished Eclipse last week, and I had to make a decision...I could wait to see if I would get Breaking Dawn for my birthday which is on the 11th... or I could go and buy it myself. IF I choose to buy it that would mean that I couldn't take the salsa dance lessons that I was planning on taking... having spent that money on the book. Well.... I couldn't wait that long...I had to start reading it. So today I went and bought it. >.< I figured that my desire to finish the series was WAY greater than my desire to learn to salsa. Salsa will be there after I am finished and I will enjoy it even more knowing that my soul is complete again having finished the series. >.<

*le sigh* Shar is right and I am wrong.

Ok so me and Shar were talking about running. She says that running makes her feel good. I said it doesn't make me feel good but it does make me feel a sense of accomplishment.... and so as I am running today I notice my cheeks hurting... and then I realize I'M SMILING! DOH! Gawd... I laughed and when I started to walk again I pulled out my phone to call Shar and acknowledge that she was right and I was wrong. Running does indeed make me happy. >.<

What has happened in the last month....

Wow! Over a month since I posted! I'm almost as bad as shar >.<

Ok I am going to try and fill you in with whats happened....be warned... it's sporadic >.<

Well, the trip was everything I hoped for and more. I love shar's family. Lee, I love her to death. Barbra had me very scared at first but I think I grew on her in the end. The scenic drive up there.... gorgeous! The snow was beautiful. Shar got me a bracelet that I absolutely love. She also got very sick. :(. I stayed an another week to help take care of her. All though I would have stayed mostly because I didn't want to go. I met Beth! She is everything I imagined she would be. I love Beth! She Rocks! She took me on a tour of San Francisco. I saw more than I thought I could in a day. My favorite place was the hill that over looked all of San Fran. I can't wait till I am living up with Shar. Then I can call up Beth and we can we can just go chill out on top of the hill and drink Boones and have a good time. ^.^ Micheal... I like Micheal. Irish.... I like Irish too. ^.^ DAVE...was nice to meet because I had NO idea what to expect with him. I like Dave ^.^ ! DAMN THE MAN!!! hehe >.< I definitely got a better idea of what there is to offer up there as far as jobs. I will start my file of applications and begin getting ready for that. Monica, is Shar's boss. I like Monica! ^.^ She also has two gorgeous golden retrievers! OMG those two are precious! Beth has two cats. One's a ... as shar put it.. a bitch, lol, and the other is A.D.D >.< . Shar has three cats. Those are her boys. Louie is her favorite. He is very shy though... or untrusting.. I can't tell. Lee has three dogs which I think are part horse because those suckers are freaking HUGE! They are the sweetest things though. ^.^

When I got back... I was very sad. I smiled only once on that first day. I think it's also part of the reason it has taken me so long to get back on my blog. I am doing much better now and the pang of missing Shar and Gabe has lessened greatly.

Work has been fine. There has been no further mention of me staying with them for as a salaried employee. I think that me staying the third week let them know where my heart is at. They know I love them, but I love Shar much more. Also... the opportunities for me up there are just soo much more.

Most recently, me and Angie (my lil ones mother), have had a closer relationship with in the last week. I am very happy for that. I was in a bad place in my heart and mind and she was there to console me. It was nice and it gave me much hope that things are on the way to healing between us. It's important I think. We need to be great friends if we plan on raising our children jointly. I don't think it can work if we aren't.... at least it wouldn't be healthy for them.

And... thats all I can think of off the top of my head... that's the gist of my last month plus a few days.